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Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011
6:51 am - I was almost a soldier, once.
Believe it or not, I was once thin! (Well, as close as you can be on this frame, I'm built like a truck.) I was healthy and fit, and I could have probably outran and outlast every single one of you reading this right now. All my life I have been... enamoured with the Military, and in around 2000 I had plans to join up and 'Do my part' as soon as I was of age to, so to speak.

My friends balked, my family seemed indifferent, as they usually do, and my brother hated me for it. But all the same, when the time came, I was in that recruitment office, I made friendly with the guy behind the desk as he bigged up the 7th Armoured Brigade to me, The modern unit who now carry the fabled 'Desert Rats' title, (since the 1st Armoured Division was disbanded) his unit.

All was going well and my recruitment was going smooth, until the medical check a few days later. My weight caused him a little concern, until an officer pointed out my weight will always be high because of my build, even though I wasn't fat at the time, I've a heavy set frame. He decided he'll let it slip and continued his checks. After a few tests he asked me to remove my shirt so he could listened to my heart. I has a sharp intake of breath as he pressed the ice cold metal to my chest, frowning a little while wondering why he didn't bother to warm it first... then I noticed he was frowning too.

After a moment he sat back, and asked me to put my shirt back on, then removed the stethoscope as ge glanced at the Officer just nearby. I started to feel worried... "Is there a problem?" I asked cautiously, his face said it all. "I'm sorry, we can't accept you..." After he told me what the problem was, all I could do was nod. He gave me his condolences, patted me on the shoulder and apologised once again as he saw me off. The recruitment officer at the desk looked heartbroken, as if I was the only one he wanted to get through to his beloved Brigade. I left, feeling pretty numb, wandered around the corner and waited for Pawwzie to come meet me. When he arrived I made up a porkie about why I failed recruitment and left.

My love of the Military and the people who choose to serve has never wavered. I hold all armed forces up to a high regard and believe each and everyone of them deserves my absolute respect, even if their governments or leaders do not. I support the men and women fighting, if not their ideal, and I do not buy into petty propaganda and think the lives of one nations fighting men and women are worth any less than my own nation's. I am not one of these kids who thinks war is 'cool.' I will be the first to question why our army is invading Iraq without solid proof, and I will question why our soldiers are still in Afghanistan. I would rather we all live in a world where armed forces are not needed, as i'm sure we ALL would,and to quote VNV Nation "When will the banners and the victory parades celebrate the day a better world was won?" However this changes nothing about my opinion.

Since my rejection however I've put on weight, my fitness fell off to terrible levels, and I had to find a new direction to take my life. And all through my life, even to this day, I still yearn to join up. I ware my poppy, every year with pride and I contribute how I can for the Help for Heroes charity (http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/). It even extends into a hobby of mine, leading me into wargaming and taking me to events like Tankfest 2010 (http://www.tankmuseum.org/Tankfest2010) with plans to go to the 2011 event.

To this day I still primarily play Simulations such as Project Reality, ArmA2 and Steel Beasts to live that life that was _JUST_ out of reach to me. This is why I constantly bang on about this, and who knows, maybe one day i'll try again. Maybe one day I'll end up the armed forces in some capacity.

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Sunday, February 13th, 2011
10:12 pm - There is no emotion, there is peace...
(Yes this is 99% metaphor, I thought it would at least make it a more interesting, if somewhat pretentious read >.>)

So I metaphorically packed my supplies and started down the path that led off to the right. I made mental check list. I knew what I needed to do, and who I needed to leave behind. As I started to distance myself I realized who where important to me.

More people than I expected disapproved, more people than I expected clung to my clothing and tried to pull me back. Even those who felt the same as I did stared at me disapprovingly and shook their head. There would be no turning back on this road. No change of heart would suffice and a simple sorry would stop carrying any weight whatsoever.

I considered my plans. Everything I wanted to do. Return to education, more involvement in my passions, to find that sense of wanderlust and the excitement of re-discovery and adventure I had steeped myself in for six months. None of that is on this road. There is nothing on this road except hate. Nothing but anger at everyone and everything, and nothing but scorn and contempt for those I deemed below me.

I slowed, the grips of those trying to hold me back let up just a little, and I stopped of my own accord. This wasn't right. This is not me... even if i'm not totally sure who I am these days. I turned and started walking back to the crossroads.

I got a bit of a telling off at first, I almost turned around again and continued back down that road once again, but I was surprised to find just how many people took me into their arms, and I felt so much impotent anger and hate leave me so quickly.

Now i'm walking down the road to the left, feeling considerably more at peace with myself and those around me. I still may not be happy with what's going on around me these days, but now I know i'm walking a road where I _WILL_ make a difference. Now I know where to focus my energies.

Suffice to say, i'm feeling a lot calmer now. And I would like to apologize to you all for my behavior in real life, over Twitter and MSN\IRC\Whatever the last half a year.

Stop me if you see me going that way again. Please.

current mood: calm

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Wednesday, February 9th, 2011
6:04 am - Impotent Anger
Once again I can't sleep, one again I'm up far too late typing stuff you probably don't really care about. But someone out there might.

I've been so annoyed with everything the last eight months or so. I've felt constant disappointment in near everyone and everything as time has gone on. I feel like I want to go out and beat the living snot out of every single person who voted conservative and scream "Why!?" at them. I want to find every single person who takes a religion as fact, when every other religion they refuse to read about is exactly the same as their's, and then stove their faces in with a bible (Or whatever they follow!) well telling them the legend of Horus. I want to personally disembowel every member for the EDF, BNP and BIE. One. By. One. I want to find each and every student who sat idle while their future was fucked over, and refused to lift a finger, or even speak up, and then just give them the hardest slap ever. I want find the heaviest, chunkiest brick I can find and place it squarely through the windows of the Daily Mail office after their "Gay Agenda" article the other week. And yet the worst I do is sit here, typing this with the occasional frown at twitter...

So why all this anger? Because I have no outlet for it. The constant disappointment i'm feeling is from indistinct groups, collections of people, beliefs and a general zeitgeist that seems to permeate 2011 up to now. All the anger and annoyance I feel everyday has no real outlet, so I end up letting as much out as possible over the smallest things, and all that ends up happening is I feel more annoyed, more frustrated that I still feel all this anger inside.

All that's really happened is i'm getting more short tempered. More annoyed with people. I find my sense of humor leaving me and being replaced by a superior and aloof attitude. I find myself rolling my eyes at stupid, immature sarcastic comments and then come down on them hard. I never really appreciated sarcasm, now I just flat out don't have the time for the stupid nattering of people who don't know when to shut up and grow up.

I find myself becoming more self-righteous, being the first to bellow "I told you so!" at every social and political fuck up I come across. I carry myself with a pompous air of arrogance because too many people have disappointed me somehow, and I find it harder and harder to not look down at them. Yet at the same time I get increasingly annoyed at an individual I know who now acts more self righteous than I do because he claims it makes people like him, without realizing that people only tolerate it, because they can see clean though his acting (Or at least I can...). I find myself finding it harder and harder to trust people, my circle of friends closing ever tighter, growing ever small, and friends have never been anything I've had a lot of. The reason being I no longer know exactly _WHAT_ a friend is, because what other people seem to call friends, barely class as an aquantince to me.

You may notice there is something of a running theme through all of this. Something that's been bugging me more and more as days go by: when did people stop caring about other people? Your political choice fucks everyone over, including you, in the pursuit of an ideal with no substance or plan on how to get there, only the hope people would follow, so far, they haven't. Your religion preaches nothing but intolerance and outright hatred of people who follow a different one, yet all of you fail to notice you worship the same one, because none of you take the time to read about any other faith. Others cower in fear of races or religions you won't or can't understand and outright attack it with racial hatred. The so called media is threatened to be bought up and controlled by a single entity, and the one man who says "Hang on..." gets fired for it. Newspapers are allowed to print articles claiming homosexuals have an agenda and they're corroupting our country. Do I think everything would be nice and happy roses if everyone just stopped? No, but it would be a fucking start. And I always thought everyone I knew felt the same.

And then there is the people... Almost all of my friends have adopted the absolutely horrific Lord of the Flies mentality that permeated WoW and have brought it into their real lives. Too many people I know carry themselves with the same kind of pride their WoW avatar would, acting like the best person alive because they tanked boss XYZ or topped a DPS chart. Some friends no longer seem to make friends, and instead seem to play pathetic little games where others have to become "Worthy" of their friendship. A game I refused to enter into, and got almost lynched for it.

I feel like i'm at a three forked road in my life, my first choice is to keep walking forward and leave everything like it is, get on with my life and hope this anger filters away on it's own. To the left lies a road where I know I can make a difference, it is however a long, hard slog, and may take upward of 20 years to see anything, and by then, it might not matter. To the right is a dangerous road. Full of terrible things that will threaten me and others. But I will at least, be heard if nothing else.

So what do I do instead? I loiter. I stay and flounder here. I run away to fantasy worlds pretending to be a super hero. Or run away to a far away galaxy and meditate on the gently rolling purple hills of dantooine. I keep running to my escapism, I keep hiding in games where I actually can make a difference. Where my actions really do mean something. And once I log out and I realize what i'm surrounded by, once again I find myself balling my fists at sarcastic twitter posts. I roll my eyes when I hear of the next pathetic social games the people play around me.

And yet I sit here, right in the thick of it and do absolutely nothing, except let this impotent anger continue to stack.

current mood: disappointed

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Friday, January 28th, 2011
5:40 am - Memory (And a return!)
So first off, I guess i'll try posting on LJ some more again. I've been keeping a real journal, as in, actual leather bound booklet for some of my more personal thoughts, but this should do for stuff I need second opinions on, or just filler. Either way, i'll try and be around more! For now here is more personal thoughts, something i've wrote about at length in private:

So right now, it's not long gone 5am, i've been lounging in bed for the last hour trying to sleep and I can't, my mind has been wandering. Whenever I'm alone with no distractions I always start looking inward, and I got thinking about my uncle. He was a major part of my life when I was a child, living 4 doors away, he loaned me hundreds of books over the years and kick started what has become a near insatiable hunger for knowledge on near any subject I can. He's not around these days.

He didn't die, he's alive and well and very well looked after. He has Alzheimer's, although it really didn't kick off until a few years ago. We placed him into a care home when we realised we couldn't look after him anymore, and when his so called carer started abusing her responsiblity and started stealing from him. I went to see him a few months ago and he didn't recognise me at all. When my farther explained who I was he looked at me for a long time, and then said "I didn't know you had a son!" back to him. Before asking mere minutes later "Do I know you?" to him once again. I sighed to myself and fought back tears. In a way I guess it's just as hard to accept as hearing that the person died. In this case my uncle may have his voice and his physical appearence but little else. A person is defined by their actions and their personality, and I can't begin to imagine how it would be to lose all that.

I'd say this is also my only real fear in life. I don't worry about dying, spiders don't bother me, higts excite me, not scare me; Flying is a dream and falling a thrill... But forgetting terrifies me beyond all comprehension. The idea than in twenty years I could be in the same boat as my uncle, forgetting who I am, what I have, the people around me and the people I care about... that my life up to now will mean nothing even to me is something I don't want to think about. I cannot get my head around the idea that my friends, family and even Pawz could mean nothing at all to me. Little more than faces and names that will have no significance to me. That I won't be able to remember the day I met Pawz, that I won't be able to remember my biggest achiviments. I don't want to accept that all the groundwork i'm laying now for my future, might never ever see use, or even be recalled.

For a year, I lived with two friends of mine, and the fact I can't remember most of it really drove home how much of a big thing for me this really is. I know I wasn't in a great state of mind at the time. I was acting out of character and like a dick... but I also don't remember 80% of everything I've been told happened. I don't remember any specific details, just vauge memories of events here and there, certain key points. Not enough to account for even a month of my time there, let alone a year.. For the most part I draw a blank on the events that happened and instead only remember how I _felt_ and why I felt it.

I'm writing more, these days. Personal and private journals, mostly. Even a little creative writing from time to time. My family sat me down a while ago and explained to me that, while Alzheimer's is not genetically inheited, almost everyone on my fathers side of the family has developed it over time. My father himself seems to be the only one to have avoided it up to now. They now encourage a lot of my hobbies that help toward my memory including gaming, Roleplaying and wargaming. The more thought required, the more it's encouraged.

An irrational fear? Probably. Even if it was inherited, I doubt exercising my noggin would help delay it's onset much. But all the same i'll try. I'll write my feelings down and my important memories too.

I don't want to forget who I am, or what makes me, me. The idea of ending up in a home, as a shell that would forget even Pawz's name, is not something I ever want to be.

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Saturday, December 12th, 2009
7:00 am
Not posted here properly in a looonng time. Mostly becuase, like many others it seems. Twitter is just ... better. You can find me on there as LilPika if you need to (though I think you all are already)

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Sunday, December 6th, 2009
12:30 am
  • 13:35 @newclear83 If you're using Vista\Win7, it's a problem with the OS\drivers. You'll need a brand spanking new soundcard that is win7 compat.
  • 16:22 @mr_nogloves Awww :( You guy staying in Sheff?
  • 18:26 @mr_nogloves Ahh cool. Have fun and good luck with the moo~ve!
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Saturday, December 5th, 2009
12:30 am

  • 16:12 "I CANNOT FIND... an archived record." Ahhh the gold old days of gaming.

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Friday, December 4th, 2009
12:30 am
  • 17:21 @electricdog The fuck did I just watch? :)
  • 18:49 @gorfydawg What? No sorry, i'm with TR on this way, Pepsi is wayyyy better, Coke tastes bland >.>
  • 18:54 @gorfydawg Each to their own, Mr. Gorfyface, each to their own :)
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Thursday, December 3rd, 2009
12:30 am
  • 02:01 @gravecat It's also shit >.>
  • 06:13 Applied for another job today! Wish me luck! :D
  • 10:33 tr.im/GoDB Who needs Modern Warfare 2, when mods like THIS show up for the orginal. This is awesome! :D
  • 18:55 Sorry to anyone who tried to message me lately. Busted sleep is busted
  • 19:10 @mr_nogloves *stamps on the other one for you?* There you go!
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Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009
12:30 am
  • 16:36 tr.im/GjKZ Early peak at the 40K MMO. Thanks to Pawz for showing me this. Here is to hoping it's not terrible! :D
  • 16:40 @pawwzie Shows how wonderfully fit you are these days. Not that i'm any better >.>
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Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
12:30 am
  • 22:45 @mr_nogloves With some half chewed meat hanging out your mouth. Nice. The rest must REALLY be bad ;)
  • 22:57 @mr_nogloves Oh course, I are joking, tis good stuff :)
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Monday, November 30th, 2009
12:30 am
  • 16:00 I just generated my #TweetCloud out of a year of my tweets. Top three words: fucking, time, people - w33.us/1atv
  • 16:00 I just generated my #TweetCloud out of 3 months of my tweets. Top three words: people, fucking, time - w33.us/1awq
  • 16:01 Did't expect it to post that, but there you go! People fucking all the time, it would seem!
  • 19:33 @gravecat I agree with this.
  • 23:04 @tr_wolf We don't live together, but we live so close together we may as well.
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Saturday, November 28th, 2009
12:30 am
  • 01:47 @mr_nogloves Cool! Lovng it. Question though: one thing I always have trouble with in 3D is scaleing, any tips, or just get an eye for it?
  • 16:03 So tempted to buy a Forge World Titan. Why is it almost £400!? D:
  • 19:17 @talashgreydrag Oh thanks :P
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Friday, November 27th, 2009
12:30 am
  • 23:36 Warseer.com forums make the WoW Forums look good. I shall rename this website "Whineseer" :|
  • 23:39 Lu says it better: "Bawwwwwseer" >.>
  • 23:55 tr.im/FO11 An offcial 40K movie? PLZ! :D
  • 18:16 @alligatorfox What are people freaking out about? people are bitching cause he's cooked? O.o
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Thursday, November 26th, 2009
12:30 am
  • 02:03 tr.im/FIyY I remeber this from YEARS ago, forgot how fucking NIGHTMARE inducing it is. o.o This is scary, not Paranormal Activity. ;)
  • 10:34 Job application away! Wish me luck!
  • 15:39 Man, Grey Knights are AWESOME fun to paint! :D
  • 15:48 @rallicat Should it not be down to the teachers to encourage them when they fail to improve them, rather than REWARD their failure?
  • 15:53 @mr_nogloves :O Mechs, you say?
  • 16:04 @mr_nogloves Fucking A. Good luck with it, and be sure to show me when it's done! :D
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Wednesday, November 25th, 2009
12:30 am
  • 23:44 @alligatorfox That good, eh? :)
  • 04:33 "A true friend always says unpleasant things. If he is a really true friend he prefers it, as he knows that he is doing good." -Oscer Wilde
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Tuesday, November 24th, 2009
12:30 am
  • 04:42 @Mr_NoGloves I ate it.
  • 19:59 @gorfydawg Erf :( *cuddles*
  • 20:36 @gorfydawg Count myself and Pawz in for that one, definatly! Once he gets back from Japanese anyways
  • 22:11 @alligatorfox Is it as scary as i've heard?
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Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
12:30 am

  • 16:51 @wolfen_wolf PC. Better visuals, better to control and an entierly new NWN-esque view which makes targetting easier. Can also control AI.

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Saturday, November 21st, 2009
12:30 am
  • 23:54 Just finished Mw2 on Vet with all intel. That was... VERY easy. Dissapointingly easy.
  • 00:17 @newclear83 Point. Honestly i'm not too impressed with MW2 :( The multiplayer maps are 'meh' and the single player was a bit easy, I thought
  • 00:18 @newclear83 Also: Happy Birthday! :D
  • 01:35 The lack of REAL documentation with UED is annoying. Still, it's not too hard. Been working on a little level, rather happy with it atm :)
  • 01:37 @sorayasha I just realised, you've had my GH guitar for almost a year now. :O
  • 14:50 @gorseraugan ... Good day then?
  • 20:02 For anyone with the PC version of L4D2: Covert the L4D1 campaigns working in L4D2: tr.im/FoeV
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Friday, November 20th, 2009
12:30 am
  • 23:48 Agh, the one time I need my Record of Achiviment and I can't find it. :|
  • 14:15 To the people wondering what the point of twitter is: If you're asking that, you're over thinking it. It's for small updates, that's all. :)
  • 14:19 @gorseraugan and @dusk_cat lol, I just realised how patronising it sounds. I do apologise, you get what I mean though! >.>
  • 15:27 @dusk_cat What's bugging you, Catface?
  • 17:10 @mr_nogloves Would probably look okay on you, actually. You may need to goth\emo up though to make it work properly, perhaps.
  • 17:48 @Dusk_cat gza.gameriot.com/content/images/view_320200_1_1249026451.jpg No no, Pulls THERE :D
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